Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize