So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
