at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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