This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Even the bartender felt bad for me
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
