After last night, I could never be a politician.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
