it's too hot outside to masturbate.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
