Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
