You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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