I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
