where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
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