my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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