My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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