You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
