Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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