Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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