True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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