i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think my nap took me to another dimension
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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