I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
