I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
