I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My cat gives me a boner
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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