hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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