the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Life is so much better after having sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
