woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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