I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
