What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
