Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize