I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
