im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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