just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
