I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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