Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
