There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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