Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
