Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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