I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
