Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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