i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
