Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
