Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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