You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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