the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
