Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
