i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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