You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
