his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
