I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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