I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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