I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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