hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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