I met the friendliest cop last night
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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