This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
