smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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