I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
