Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
