Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
