Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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