Just fell off a train. Bad.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
