.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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