she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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