My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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