I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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