TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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