Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
