the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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